the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
