so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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