So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
