youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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