I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
