Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
