apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
