I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
