if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
