Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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