I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
