Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
My bed smells like the plague
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