if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
