i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
