He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
