You don't have asthma, your pregnant
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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