I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
