Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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