He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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