Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
