So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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