If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
