So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
