I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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