I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
