new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
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