Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Randomize
