my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
