Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
