I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
