Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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