I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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