Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Jerry, you need to find god
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
