remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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