Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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