Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You know, be my cock's hype man.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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