I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
