Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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