upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
