see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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