the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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