Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He's on the porch naked. Help.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
