In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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