I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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