Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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