why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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