I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
dude. I can hear the air.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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