I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
