Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
