Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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