Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
