I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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