why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Randomize
