The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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