I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
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